for 19 months ….. waiting
we waited for her
we waited for test results
we waited for interviews
we waited for sleep
we waited for call-backs
we still wait
waiting is exhausting, it’s draining. the feeling of being in “limbo”, of not really know when something is going to happen, when or where we’re going to move next.
sometimes this waiting feels like wasted time, we long for an extraordinary life, one filled with adventure, travel, mission. we’ve been living the complete opposite, big house, the creeping feeling of ‘settled’, the increasing desire to stick close to family, good jobs with benefits, mom’s groups, the accumulation of ‘things’.
it’s exhausting having such a strong desire for something so different than what you’re living. the dichotomy of feeling both settled and unsettled at the same moment.
don’t get me wrong, we cherish this time we’ve had, especially the closeness of sisters/cousins and a church family that acts like one. it will be hard to say goodbye when the time comes, there have already been tears shed and I’m sure there will be many more.
my deepest desire is to be in the centre of God’s plan, and I’m sure God didn’t plan for his followers to be living in large houses, comfortable, overweight, with every convenience at their fingertips. if Jesus is truly our example maybe we should take a look at his life.
I long to raise my daughter in a place of comfort that comes from Christ, not from things. I don’t want her to feel the entitlement that so many (if not most) North American youth have today. I want her to have a servant’s heart, to desire the things of God, not of this world. I honestly don’t think you can live in Canada and accomplish this. it’s too easy to get caught up in it all as parents, and we’re supposed to be the example.
I’ve felt more love entering the home of strangers in Boklokong than entering the home of friends in Canada. I’ve experienced the power of God more in the one room hut, crammed with people, and praying for the dying, then I have in most church services in Canada.
I’ve literally ‘prayed without ceasing’ on the streets in southern China, because that’s all I had. I couldn’t preach, I couldn’t sing, I couldn’t read my bible, all I could do was pray. and God moved, he broke my heart for the lost, he showed me a glimpse of his heart, and that made me pray even more.
I want this for my daughter. I want her to see the nations, I want her heart to break for the lost. I don’t want her most pressing concern be what she’s going to wear to school, or who’s going to take her to the prom.
I want her to wonder where all the girls are in the Karen village, and weep knowing that they have been sold into the sex trade because their parents had no other choice knowing that they couldn’t feed her, at least she would be alive if she went to the city.
I want my daughter to love the nations, and I also want this for myself. how is she going to do this without me being the example?
I’m tired of waiting for something to happen, of feeling dead. it’s time for change, for life.