Growing Up

Hey all, it’s Kathryn here. I figured I should – and I felt like – posting on here considering Tim’s been doing most of the writing.  To say the least, the past 6 months have been an adventure (not quite the adventure I was expecting though). I’ve gone through quite a grieving process and finally feel that I have come out the other side of it. Some of you may find it strange that I have been grieving but I believe it’s what I had to do to get to where I am now. I really had to grieve my life as I knew it. I knew it would never be the same after finding out I was pregnant. I had to grieve for the adventure that South Korea held, the purpose that teaching would give me, and the time with Tim that I so longed for (teaching at the same school, adventuring on weekends….similar to our honeymoon in New Zealand). Maybe I just wanted to relive that honeymoon experience that we had in NZ because it was such a wonderful time.  Whatever the reason I had to grieve.

I went through a phase of bitterness. I asked questions such as:

“Why does Tim get to pursue a dream that he’s had for a few years (medical school) and I have to somehow prepare to be a mother and figure out what I can and cannot do as a pregnant woman?”

“Why did I have to get pregnant now, on the eve of an exciting new adventure that would surely satisfy my desire for travel and missionary work?”

“What is God doing?”

… and many more.

I tried to fake it when people asked how the pregnancy was going but I couldn’t deceive most. To most it was a joyous occasion and they showered me with congratulations, then asked me what Tim and I were doing for work and living (a whole other issue that we were trying to figure out). Did they realise that all I wanted to do was forget that I was pregnant when I was in public? It was getting nearly impossible in private because most of my clothes didn’t fit any more and we couldn’t really afford to buy new ones or anything for that matter. It was a rough few months to be honest; emotionally, spiritually, and personally. It seemed that most people we encountered expected us to be hunky dory after only a few weeks, or maybe they just forgot, or couldn’t see things from my perspective.

I am thankful for my friends who have been through similar situations – surprise or untimely pregnancies – and have given me an ear and words of encouragement throughout this time. I know that it was very selfish of me to be thinking these things, but isn’t that our human nature? I guess I just had to get it out of my system or something.

Thankfully I have come a long way since then. I am enjoying being pregnant now (despite the aches and pains) and feel that my previous self image insecurities have greatly decreased because – when you’re pregnant you’re supposed to have a big belly! I’m going to a “Fit Pregnancy” Pilates class with Pamela (who is expecting her second daughter in August). It’s been a lot of fun, good exercise, and a great way to meet some other women in the community who I probably never would have met otherwise. I worked for 7 short weeks at an adult learning centre, which I enjoyed a lot, but am now unemployed again without the desire to really look for work – considering I am in my 3rd trimester and it will only get more difficult from here onward. Of course there is a financial concern, especially knowing that we will be incurring some baby-related expenses over the coming months, but I feel confident that God brought us here and he wont let us go hungry.

I have been thinking a lot about parenting philosophies and what I value and how I don’t want to compromise those things when I become a parent for convenience. I think I will leave that for another post though. I have been doing a lot of reading up on the topic thanks to Pamela and her bountiful personal library, as well as the public library and, of course, online blogs! The two books that I’m currently reading are: “And Baby Makes Three” by John M. Gottman and “Diaper Free: The Gentle Wisdom of Natural Infant Hygiene” by Ingrid Bauer. I haven’t really gotten into the first yet but I think there will be some good information on how to incorporate your baby into your life as well as continue to have a relationship with your spouse. The second one is pretty revolutionary for North American society but I feel that I agree with a lot of what the author is saying so far (I’ve only read a few chapters). Once I think about this more I will write another post though.

Preparing to have a baby isn’t just about acquiring stuff, although some things are necessary. It’s more mental preparation and a lot of discussion with your spouse about things like discipline, relationship with God (do we really want a child to look up to us as an authority and a role model as we are right now?), sleeping arrangements (co-sleeping or crib sleeping), and much more, including kissing on the lips (our baby’s lips, not each others); believe it or not, we have differing opinions on this one. Tim and I were both brought up quite differently so I’m sure there will be many more things to discuss even after the baby is born.

Anyway I guess I should wrap this post up. One more thing though. I listened to this great sermon by Mark Driscoll today. Actually, I listened to it twice because I made Tim listen to it after he got home from work. It’s called “Women as Mothers”, but it’s not just for women to hear. It’s for everyone: teenagers, young women and men considering marriage, married couples without kids or expecting kids, seasoned parents, and grandparents. It’s 1 hour and 26 minutes long, which may seem long for a sermon, but you have got to hear this guy preach if you haven’t. He is excellent and bible-focused, something I find lacking in a lot of churches these days.  Anyway if you’re interested, go to http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/proverbs/women-as-mothers and check it out!

Thanks for reading this to the end, and for your enjoyment here is a picture of Tim and I in NZ!

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6 thoughts on “Growing Up

  1. Hey Kathryn, really enjoyed your blog post. I can relate a little bit – even though we were sort of trying to get pregnant, I remember there were moments earlier in the pregnancy when I half wished I would miscarry, because I didn’t feel ready and I wanted my life to myself for a while longer. Then I would feel like the worst person in the entire world and SUPER guilty for thinking that. And really, there are still moments when I think LONGINGLY of life without a baby in it, but they come fewer and farther between the closer I get to God.
    I’ll have to listen to that sermon, I really, REALLY like Mark Driscoll. I listen to his sermons while I fold laundry! His sermon series “Religion Saves and Nine Other Misconceptions,” specifically the sermon on Birth Control, is actually the entire reason Eli exists 🙂

  2. This is an honest and beautifully written post. I’m so glad you shared your perspective and feelings in this past little while. It is difficult to see things from another perspective, and sorry for being one of those really excited and thrilled people! I feel so blessed that you guys are in F-ton for now and that we have you in our lives in such a close way. I will definitely listen to that message, I know that I have listened to one on mothers by Mark, but I’m not sure it’s the same one. Lots of love to you.

  3. This was so beautiful and honest Kathryn, thank you for writing! I’ve been thinking about you guys and when I found out you were pregnant I thought you might feel this way. I imagine that I would have as well, on the eve of an exciting adventure with my husband, and then everything changes? I would have felt really resentful. It’s completely understandable why it’s been a difficult for you. I’m glad you’re in a better place now and that you’re continuing to grow, aren’t we all!
    Love,
    Anastasia

  4. Thanks for all the comments! It’s great to know that this blog isn’t just for Tim and I!

    Thanks Emily for your honest words, I’ll have to check out the sermon you mentioned!

    Thanks Pamela, miss you lots and can’t wait for you to come back. It’s okay that you were excited and it was good for me to be so close to you and Charlotte during that time. I am so happy to be here and to actually have a relationship with Charlotte as she grows up!

    Thanks Anastasia for your encouragement. I hope all is well with you and Mitch!

  5. Hi Kathryn,

    I read your blog last night, and I want to let you know how much I appreciate your honesty about your pregnancy. It gives other people courage to be honest with others and most importantly themselves. I know that I would likely feel the same way if I had other plans like to teach in Korea then received unexpected news.

    I also see that you’re now living in Fredericton. I will be going to UNB next year, so maybe at some point once you’re more settled with the baby and everything, I could meet up with you and Tim. It’d be great to see a few familiar faces!

  6. Hey beautiful daughter!
    It was so great to see you and Tim and the growing wee one!! Sometimes I wish we were closer, so we could visit more and I could invite you for supper a few times a week. Your blog was very personal and I apologize if I wasn’t sensitive to how you were feeling when you told us the news. Being a Grammie is one of the newest blessings I have been given and I cherish these beautiful grand daughters so much. As you and Tim become parents of this little girl, I pray that you will love her and share with her the foundation of your faith (as I know you will). There are challenges and stresses with parenting, but the fun and joy of raising children far outweigh that.
    Love you and can’t wait to see you again. We will be over at some point to open up the camp and (if I can talk Dad into it) maybe a quick trip over the border while the dollar is so good.
    Talk to you soon,
    Mom

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